Name:Dead Man Walking Birthday:12/9/1988 Gender:Male
Interests:I have a lot of love to give, but I don't know how to use it. I am lost in life, but saved through Christ. I want that person to share my dreams and emotions with. I wan to to have affection and feel love. I know that if I do it just to feel it, it will dissapoint me. I will realize that my God is the Only love that I can rely on. Still... I wonder, and wait. Expertise:I like music. I listen to heavy metal to soft rock, but mostly heavy. I like strait up hip hop, no r&b, and some contemporary. I look to the bible when I have problems. I like analizing and learning. I look forward to what life has to offer, but would happily give it up to have god come this moment. I like playing guitar and playing any sports. I like basketball the most though Occupation:Artist Industry:Medical
SIX THINGS IN YOUR BEDROOM: 1. Car Bed 2. Guitars & Bass 3. Posters 4. Clothes all over 5. Pickles 6. Music CD's
SIX THINGS YOU SAY MOST: 1. Poo 2. Bro 3. G-G-G-G-Gay unit 4. Dude 5. Crap 6. Random screams
SIX THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT: 1. Jesus 2. The Bible 3. My Guitars 4. Music 5. Family 6. hot sauce
SIX OTHER THINGS: Do You / have you: 1. Believe in God?: With all I am. 2. Had a dream come true?: yes 3. Read the newspaper?: Articles, not front to back 4. Pray?: Have no choice, I cant do anything 5. Have a job?: odd end ones 6. Attend church?: yes
Have you ever: 1. Kissed two people in the same day?: no, unless you count my mom and grandma on the cheek 2. Had surgery?: no, they are real muscles 3. Swam in the dark?: yeah 4. Been to a Bonfire?: just my own 5. Ran away from home?: didnt get far 6. Played strip poker?: strip ping pong
SIX THINGS IN THE LAST MONTH: Have you... 1. Cried: no 2. drank alcohol: no 3. been kissed: no 4. Felt stupid: Yeah 5. Talked to an ex: Nope 6. Missed someone: Yes...
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Current mood: grateful Category: Life
Life is throwing things at me left and right. I dont know if the world is getting worse, or I am just beginning to realize that it has always been that way. Friends and family seem to be having lots of difficulty from every direction. I guess it is the usual family, money, relationships, drugs, and happiness. There used to be moments of peace in life where things settled down, but it feels like that is never going to come. I believe that that moment will come, but it may not be for a while. Despite all theese things, I have found that I am happy in the mist of it. For a while I got unusaully down, but ,because of the people I have in my life, God used them to help me. I now feel more understnading and level headed. Things in life may be breaking down from cars to relationships, guitars to my wallet, but not my spirituality. I know God has a plan. I thought that as just words before. I did not know if God had a plan, it was just something I had to have faith in, and I guess I still do. However, now I truly believe that things will work out. We have ourselves on the line, but God is there with us. When your heroes are dead and you have no where to turn, God is all you have.
"Breathe, Trust, Bless me and release" ~ Chevelle
Currently listening: Wonder What's Next By Chevelle Release date: 08 October, 2002
Sunday, November 06, 2005
I am going to post lyrics for my songs just so I dont forget.
Title: Missing Note
Look to the sky
Look into mystery of my eyes
See stains of life that have cried
It is because of those tears he died
Now wait and see
Look into my heart
See where pains ends and love starts
I believe it starts here
Ironically it has me in fear
Fear that life is only getting better from here
Fear that I have found the Life that God wanted, with no fear
This sinking feeling starts at the bottom of my feet
And the bottom of my heart
It struggles inside my head
And I know exactly just where it had to start
I am down this road again, but I don't know how it ends
There is pain inside again, but I am tired of crying out for help
I wish I could hide nothing
I wish everyone could see
This heart is hurting
This is my plea
Monday, October 23, 2006
This is not getting easier
You do not know
This is hurting me more
You do not know
I patheticly try to cover it up and
You still don't know
You can't see through the glass
You do not know
This pain I feel is pulling me deep
The hurt I feel is unnessesary and cheap
But it costs so much and it is making me think
Am I becoming dependent? or maybe I already am
Is this what I am suposed to do, or have I lost my head again
God I need you now as much as I already have
I never needed you less, even if I thought different
I am confused and hurting, I always think it wil end
But it keeps coming back........and
I need you again
Ok now.... I feel a little better
I think I have distracted myself and I found something better
Better than the pain that sinks deeep into my soul
You gave me happiness beyond belief, and a Pain I don't want to know
If I take a deep breath, breathe out and in
Maybe it will go away and I can feel happy again
As I read the words of the launguage that my hearts speaks
It calms me down, it makes me re-think
I wish love was a formula that was easy to drink
But nothing good comes easy, and my love is not cheap
I can hit the ground going 60, and get up in just minutes
But the pain in my heart feels like it has reached its limit
When logic dominates and love is not in it
I can feel my heart break, logic is the limit
Sunday, September 10, 2006
I am lost and don't know what to do or think
I don't even know if I am wrong for feeling the way I do
These things hurt
I am not sure why the smallest thing causes such a problem
No one even has the slightest clue
You used to know
Now there is no way to see what I am feeling
I feel lonley
God you are all I will ever have
Please take me
Thank you for never letting go
These feelings are messing me up little by little
I don't know what to do. Please help me deal with this.
"Good night. I love you"
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Current mood:longing Category: Life
I miss you so often
More than you realize
I miss what used to be
Am I A fool for thinking that it would always be as good as it was in the past
Am I selfish for wanting that
I don't know
All I know is that I am hurting inside
You used to walk me to my car and stay until you got so cold you could not take it anymore
Then you started to stay outside less and less
Then you walked me only to the door
Then I walked you to your door
And your room
Now you fall asleep over and over every time
It was cute at first
But now it hurts
I feel like you are bored with me
I guess I am not as exciting as I once was
things are not the same with you
I have only fallen more in love with you
You just are not the same
you used to always hanging on to me
Now Sometimes I have to force myself on you and you sit idle or push me away
We used to stare at each other for hours
Now I stare at you while you look at other things
Our eyes meet and you smile
Then you look away again
It kills me
How these little things change
I pine for your affection
But I am led astray
I try so hard to give you all the love you deserve
You happily take
But I don't know if you think of me or my feelings
you fell asleep again
I know you have had a long day
I am sorry for these feelings of mine
They just hurt me
They just cutt through
I don't want this sadness
this dissappointment
But it is in me and I don't know what to do
I hurt so much
I cannot lie
Don't get me wrong
You have done so so much for me
You have shown me love that I never knew
I thank you so much
I appreciate it so much
I cherrish it
But it is up and down
I don't know what to think or expect
I love you so much
I really love you
I care about you so much
I really want you to be happy
Forgive my oversensitivity
I just miss you.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
No one is on my preferred list
Just so no one gets hurt. I wanted it to be private but that new diary thing was not making it private, so I did what I needed to. I used to write alot more as a way to get stuff out, but I stopped for a while. I just needed to get some stuff out by writing, so I would feel better. No offense to anyone. PEACE!
I can't meet Losing sleep over this No I can't And now I cannot stop pacing Give me a few hours I'll have this all sorted out If my mind would just stop racing Cause I cannot stand still I can be this unsturdy This cannot be happening This is over my head But underneath my feet Cause by tomoroow morning I'll have this thing beat And everything will be back to the way that it was I wish that it was just that easy Cause I'm waiting for tonight Been waiting for tomoroow I'm somewhere in between What is real Just a dream What is real Just a dream What is real Just a dream Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again I don't want to run away from this I know that I just don't need this Cause I cannot stand still I can be this unsturdy This cannot be happening Cause I'm waiting for tonight Been waiting for tomorrow And I'm somewhere in between What is real Just a dream What is real Just a dream What is real Just a dream What is real just a dream
I got pulled over less than an hour ago 2 minutes away from my house. Cop was hiding in the dark...bummer, totaly was not expecting it, but ai guess you never are. Got alot on my mind, but 1 thing has got me not caring. I am really happy and nothing can take that away from me. God gives hope and promise for the future, so dont let anything get you down. Peace!
Life has lots of obsticles. I am not sure why they seem to be constantly Increasing. I have been having very odd sleeping patterns for the past 2 weeks. Right now it is almost 3am, I think. My computer says 4am, but I dont think I ever changed it for daylight savings. Anyway, life has been more difficult than usual. Life its social problems hae always existed, but the further I go, the more difficult they seem to become. I guess everything in life has become more difficult, so I guess it is irrelevant. FOR THE PEOPLE THAT ONLY CLICKED BECAUSE I SAID THERE WERE FLAMING CARS: You are awesome! I give you props. I will talk about that first before I go on a rant. I was on my way home today from my uncle's house where I watched the Pittsbrg Steelers game, they killed the fricken bears! And I was almost at my exit when I could feel my car really getting weaker. Then the engine completely cut out, so I popped it into nutral and took my exit. I dont know if the powersteering also went out, or the steering weel was going to lock up, but my control was definatley minimal. Luckily, despite lack of steering and a engine I was able to cruise out and pull over on the side of the raod at a major intersection. I got out to look under my hood, when BAM! Flames flew out of my car hood. IT WAS ON FIRE! I then did what I needed to.... I got my guitar out of the car! after I made sure it was safe, I got my little sister out. The flames grew increasingly (possible metaphor for my life? huh, huh). A cop car flashed its lights and came behind me. I told him the vehicle was on fire, then he backed p from the car. The flames got higher an higher with more and more oil leaking and catching underneath the car. Flames and smoke filled the sky. I began to wonder why I left my guitar so close to the car and why I took my sister to such a safe distance. The cop said the fire department was on its way. I had my videocamera in the from passenger seat along with my cds and cd player. I knew that it was not worth risking the car exploding in my face, so I left them in there. I thought of what I heard someone, somehwere say. It is not exactly what I heard, but the general message was this: To not be concerned witht he thing of this world. Not to obsess with things that can burn, but to live for the only thing that you can take with you forever. So I let it go. I really wanted my camera though, so I could videotape it. The cars was smoking, blinding all traffic and blocking two lanes, despite it being on the shoulder. The flames grew and the fire department came. They took a huge mallot and smashed my hood, exposing he flaming car engine. Took out their hose and sprayed it down. The smoke and fire died down. When it was safe I went to the melted car and checked out my stuff. everything appeared to be fine. I got my camera out and vidoetaped the aftermath. I relflected to when my car was on fire and a school bus full of highschoolers drove by and pointed and laughed at me while vidoetaping and taking pictures. I went through all the stuff of getting it towed. So much for the concert I was going to got to. Everyone was safe and nothing really bad happened. I thank god the he protected my sister and I. Also all the people around. I was so thankful. I now realize that despite al the crap tat is happening in life, Go is proteting me. It s Christ that has my heart and my life. Right now the flames of life seem to be getting higher, but I know that they will eventually go out and things will be solved. Some day, soon I hope, I will get another car. Until then I will be riding my motorcycle. This is a long post for me, so i will save the other issues for later, not that anyone cares. I am content now and look forward to what God has to bring me.
Life is overwhelming... There is so much insode of me right now I feel like shutting down. I cant contain all of theese thoughts and emotions. So much to deal with. My dad had a heart attack yesterday. He called me from the hospital and told me it was a small one...He lied, it was a major heart attack. His entire led was 100% blocked. I wouldnt know what exactly it meant if I hadnt been there with thte doctor and looked at the charts. For those of you that dont know, my dad is an anesthesiologist. He was working in surgery when he got the heart attack. My dad is a very masculine and tough guy, so he said he was fine and continued working when it hit him. After a while the nurses could see it was bad, so they got the abumlance and sent him off to get some sugery done. The surgery went perfect with good timing and god results. Luckily my dad was working because he lives up in the mountains in edgewood and estancia, so if it had happened there he would have died. I spent the last couple days with him in the hospital, so I am really tired. I am home now and going back tomorrow morning. He has had about 50% of his heart damaged and it will take an entire year for it to be fully healed. Right now they are just monitering because if anythign happens he needs to be medicated within 10 minutes or he will get brain damage and or die. So it is kind of stressful. I got a new appreciation and life and my dad. Most importantly of what God gives me everyday that I take for granted. I cant even tell you about all the emotions going on inside me right now. I feel really alone. Confused. I used to not know what was going on in girls minds, but now I just dont understand people in general. Such a longing inside of me. tired of hiding it. i dont know. nothing makes sense. i need a friend.
I recently went through something very similair. I was hurting more than I ever had ben and I was closer to god than I ever was. When things kept geting worrse and wrose I was crying out to god. Over and over things were not getting better and I felt like God was leaving me hanging. In the past when things were no going well, I would go to god and he would help me. This time though I knew he was there, but he was not doing anything for me. I kept on praying and reading the word, but nothing. Then one day I was reading provebs and God showed me many things. After not feeling God come back to me, he spoke to me more clearly than he ever did before. There were many things he told me, but one thing was that I needed to remain faithful and trusting in God even if he did not solve my problem right away. I was spoiled by God's presence and love. I experienced
drained
grateful 
tired
crushed
